Some weeks I haven't posted yet:
It has sure been a roller coaster ride these last few weeks. A couple of weeks ago, I was really hoping for a mid- to late-September birthday for this baby boy. I thought that as long as I'm not bleeding, I should be able to make it to 38 weeks, no problem. And I was really thinking my doctor would agree. But when I went to get another ultrasound for an update on my placenta previa, it was clear to them that they couldn't let me go past 37 weeks. They were even leaning towards 36 weeks to be safe. So we scheduled the c-section for Sunday, Sept 9th at first (with a little pressure from my side to keep it towards 37 weeks). I then got the steroid shots to help his lungs develop quicker, just in case he came even earlier.
And because I didn't expect any of this to happen, I had 2 weddings booked for the end of August/beginning of Sept and a photo class I was teaching and I just couldn't cancel any of it. Talk about stress. Supposed to be on "bed rest" (but doctor said walking is okay) and I had so much to do. I got a blessing, had Ben to help me every step of the way, and Heavenly help for sure and was able to do them all! It was a miracle. (I won't tell you that I had a wheelchair at both weddings that Ben pushed me around in....). Once that Sept 1st wedding was done, man I felt so good. Then nesting mode and prepping for baby kicked in and I had a hard time delegating what needed to be done to Ben (and waiting till he was done with work) instead of just doing it myself.
Knowing what day he is coming is definitely nice. I don't have to do the whole waiting game the last few hard weeks. But knowing it's going to be a c-section and that there are risks to both him and me makes me super nervous this time. And the fact that my last c-section was a nightmare, so all I know and think about are all those things I dealt with then. The two things that plagued my mind and made me tear up every time I thought about it was this: 1) That he wouldn't be breathing on his own (or have some other health problem) and would have to stay in the NICU for some time (which is a blessing to have, I know, but not what you want to deal with), and 2) That I would have placenta accreta: That my placenta would be too attached to my scar tissue from the previous cut and wouldn't detach nicely, causing me to hemorrhage (which a nice lady at my last wedding told me happened to her. Thanks for the calming stories right before my surgery!)
Anyway--I went to my regular appointment this week and she checked his heart beat as usual. But NOT as usual, she sat and listened intently to his heart beat for a very long time. Every other check-up, she continues to talk to me and only listens for a short time. So this time, I was wondering what was going on. She finally asked, "Has anyone told you that your baby might have arrhythmia?" I said, "No, I don't know what that is." And she said, "Well, I'm sending you down right now to Labor and Delivery to have them check it out, because you might be having this baby today." OH THANKS, DOC!! Let's freak your patient out before you even know for sure how bad it is.
So I head down there, and wait and wait. The doctor there wasn't in yet and I had to wait for them. Calling Ben and my mom wasn't a good idea because just trying to tell them what was going on made me burst into tears. Yuck. So they finally hooked me up to the monitor to listen and I could hear it this time, a definite irregular heart beat (with pauses and skips every couple of beats). The lady said it was "concerning and definitely there" but that the doctor would give her opinion. Then they left me in that room for probably 25 minutes by myself, listening to that little heart beat and trying not to freak out. FINALLY they moved me to the ultrasound room and she took a good look. It was there for a couple of minutes and then it went away! For the next 5-10 minutes they tried to get some more readings of it and he just had a perfect, steady heart beat. They kept saying, "Come on little punk, cooperate with us." And I was thinking... "Isn't it a good thing that he's not?" After a while they said that because it was off and on, and that he still had good stretches in there, that there was no need for him to come early. One more week of cooking would do him good. FEWF. They said that he will probably still have arrhythmia but that it should go away on its own.
Before I left though, I had them check two things, his breathing and to see if they could see where my placenta was in relation to my old scar. They said his breathing was amazing, that he was doing it really fast and well. Then they said that my placenta was angled more towards the back, leaving my old scar to itself. ANOTHER FEWF. I was so relieved and a little grateful that I had the ultrasound in the first place because just hearing those two things put my mind at ease. I felt so much better and lighter the rest of the day.
Oh and also, when I checked on my scheduled c-section date, they didn't have me down. They cancelled it because they never got confirmation from someone somewhere and they didn't tell anyone about it! Great! I would have shown up and that would have been a mess. So they put me down for MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10th at 9am! Settled. Done. Let's get this over with!!
When I read other birth stories and think about how my birthing experiences were "supposed" to go... I get a little sad and feel jipped. I have not had good experiences and I feel like if I had just waited on my own with Claire (and not gone in with a little leak), I would have gone on my own within a week and not had to go through what I did. And then I'd be having a "normal" birth this time as well. But things didn't go as planned and oh well. And because of what has already happened, I worry about the future ones as well. Maybe we won't be able to have as many as we would like... who knows. We'll see! Thank heavens for modern technology and medicine because if we were living 200 years ago, I (and probably baby too) would be dying in a few weeks and wouldn't even know it. Totally freaky. Even though I would like to enjoy these deliveries a lot more, I can't complain because these babies are healthy and we're able to have them in the first place. We are so blessed and I have great pregnancies, so I am fine dealing with whatever deliveries to get them here! We couldn't possibly love Claire more and can't imagine life without her. And it will be the same with this little boy.
Although it's been hard (since I haven't lifted her and can't do all that I want), I have been trying to have lots of fun with this little girl. She is so funny and we just die every day at how much we love her. We are always saying, "Gosh, I love that little girl!" She loves to ask me multiple times a day, "You okay, mom?" And she'll rub my face with her hand and lay her head on my chest. We snuggle and watch "Sima" or "Eemo" (Lion King or Finding Nemo) every day and blow bubbles and do puzzles and tickle and swim and color and eat Wheat Thins and cottage cheese out on the grass. I'm trying to soak her all in as our worlds are going to change next week. She has no idea what is coming, but we have a couple of "Big Sister" books and have been talking lots about baby brother coming. She loves to go in his room and look at his crib and clothes and say "baby boy!" I know she will do great with him.
Wow, this is turning out to be quite the journal entry for me. I want to remember all that I am feeling this week.
Today, I finally broke my camera out to take pictures of this little girl! It has been so long! I said: "Smile just a little" here:
"Now smile BIG!":
I love her so much. I love Ben so much. I love this baby so much. I am so blessed and overwhelmed right now with gratitude for my life and blessings.
Stay tuned for baby boy's appearance!